Take Me as I AM

Today is June 7th, 2011.  Today marks exactly 7 months since the last of our twins left us.  They died.  Going through the first death, though horrifying on its own, was nothing compared to losing the second.  After the first, we'll call him "M", we still had the hope that our other baby, known here as "B", had a fighting chance.  We went through the motions with preparing M after death, still holding on to B as he fought so hard in the NICU.  So, 7 months later, I'm starting a blog just for them.  Just for the boys that would have had me on my toes, my hair frazzled, and my last thread shredding; for the boys that would have made our little home seem smaller, just by the number of bodies inhabiting.    For them I will help the bereaved, and inform the outsiders what's going on in my mind and possibly the mind of other parents.  If there's one thing I've learned through this, it's that even the parents of the same deceased child do not go through the grief the same way.  All I can do is provide a glimpse into the workings of a mind going through the single most horrible experience anyone can go through.  So, for you outsiders, lesson one: don't push.  If we as bereaved parents want to talk, we will.  Lesson two: don't ignore.  Our children are still here in spirit because we think of them every minute of every day.  If we want to talk about them, don't be uncomfortable.  It's just as if we were talking about living children.  We want to remember everything we possibly can from the small amount of time we had with them.

With that, I am H; the mom.  The mom of three boys, no matter how you look at it.  I carried, birthed, and nourished three boys as long as I was able.