Can't Get Over It

Not just the loss of my boys, but the feeling that I'm still incomplete.  Two pieces of myself are now missing, never to be replaced.   I get R down for "quiet time" and though I like the ease of getting one child down, I still feel "gone".  Parts of me are elsewhere.  I think every day of what it would be like having more kids, and I can't seem to get past the what-ifs.  What if we'd had all three boys here, how much fun would that be?  I like to think that no matter how stressed I got, I'd know how blessed I was to have them.  Now I think what if we don't have any more?  What if we do?  What will our life be like?  I want to let go and let God, but there's that human part required for procreation and the desire or lack therof to do so.  I don't know for certain what our future will be, but I know I must first be content with where I am, or at least accept it as fact, and only then can I begin to really move forward.  I'm not moving on, and I'm not having "another" child.  I am still a bereaved mother, and I will not be able to replace those boys.  I may have a "second child in the house" but that is something that time must tell.  A good friend said that both parents must be in a good place to be able to have more or another.  We're not there together as we should be yet.  Maybe someday.    What sparked this today?  Seeing a movie and having lunch with two friends that both have 4 kids.  All I keep track of is one.